I am coming up on the 6 year anniversary of the day my pregnancy was ended by miscarriage. It was a very difficult time for me. I had been trying to get pregnant for about a year to no avail. I was overjoyed when I discovered that I was pregnant, but only a few days later everything changed. The same day that I suspected I was about to miscarry, I found out that my husband was likely deploying to Iraq. I found out he was definitely leaving on the same day the miscarriage started. He had to leave that same week and I was unable to fully mourn the child I lost because I was too busy worrying about my husband.
Most of the people around me were very helpful and supportive. However, there were some well meaning people that said terrible things to me like “it wasn’t really a baby yet anyway” and “at least you weren’t further along.” I started to feel like the fact that I was only 6 weeks along when I lost the baby negated that I had lost a baby at all. This just made everything worse.
Then a friend who had faced a similar situation reminded me of Jeremiah 1:5a which says “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb” and Psalm 139:13-16 which says:
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
These verses and others reminded me that God says I had a life growing inside of me and that the loss of that life mattered. I do not fully understand why I had the miscarriage; perhaps I never will. But the fact that God considered my baby a life, and that he knew my baby before it was conceived has brought me immeasurable peace. I also rest in the knowledge that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
Have you suffered a miscarriage? What helped you get through it? Feel free to leave a comment, share and let’s talk about it.
About Janice
I had a miscarriage 9 years ago this month. I tend to hermit myself away to deal with grief, so that’s how I coped. I also made a scrapbook of cards, flowers, and print outs from the pregnancy blog I had then. It was very healing to create.
I remember those days so clearly Janice. (((hugs)))
You know my story… but for your readers who don’t…
I have 5 babies in heaven (I hope our children are together playing and worshiping at The Throne right now).
Getting through the thick of it… hmmm…. that was the hardest part– that whole first year. Especially the remaining months I should have been pregnant but wasn’t anymore. I had a dear friend on a message board for Christian women who have suffered infertility and loss (www.hannahsprayer.org)that I’d email daily. We would wish each other a good minute b/c a day was just too much to even consider.
Grieving is so important… but everyone does it differently. No one can tell you how long you have the right to grieve or how you should do it. You grieve the loss of your child, the loss of your dreams and hopes for the future, the loss of “normal”.
For me, I had already started a journey of emotional honesty before my second loss (which was the big one that started it all for me). I had resolved to be real with myself and my God and not try to fake my way past the process but go through it.
Having been through it so many times hasn’t made it any easier– in fact, my new grief is the enormity of the compilation of all those losses– but it has taught me how I grieve and what I need to go through the process.
I’ve named each of my babies and had small memorial services for the last 4 (I was in denial for the first until after the 2nd). I have little memorials on one of the walls of my house, I have engraved Christmas ornaments with the babies names and loss dates that we include in our decorating. We go to The Walk to Remember every October. Keeping these children as part of our family has been incredibly helpful to me.
It is true that time heals though… it never goes away, the loss and grief for a child you desperately wanted… but it doesn’t hurt as much as it once did. Eventually getting out of bed gets easier… hope seems possible again… you learn to live in your new normal… and, to be healthy, you deal with the grief when it comes up… because it will. There are too many pregnant bellies and babies out in the world after you’ve lost yours and the strangest things (commercials, going somewhere you went when you were still pregnant, anniversaries, and due dates etc.) can and often will trigger it.
My biggest piece of advice is to find someone that will let you talk openly about what you’re going through and just listen and not judge or try to fix it. Sometimes that’s a friend that’s been through it, sometimes not. Also hearing and reading other people’s experiences helped me… and writing in my journal or on the message board I mentioned before.
Miscarriage seems so lonely when it happens to you– but the truth of it is– 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. There are a lot of people out there that have been through it.
OK…. sorry to go on and on like that Janice.
Praying for you as you go through another anniversary. Love you friend!
Thank you for sharing. I lost 2 babies, due to a blood clot disorder, it is hard to talk about. But we can find comfort in much of the bible
Thank you for sharing, it will help others who have suffered.
I love you Janice, so very much <3
Thanks for all the comments and love. <3
Shauna, you were so helpful and such a blessing to me during that time. You continue to be an inspiration to me. I love you.
Radar5 and Fluff's, thank you for sharing.
Rachel, I love you too honey!
Thank you for sharing your story with other women. It isn’t easy to do this but I believe God will use your testimony to bless and encourage other women. God bless
I have had three miscarriages and two live births. My son is eleven and my daughter is six. The Miscarriages came after my daughter. We have been trying to have another one since my daughter was almost 3. It has basically been a miscarriage a year for the last three almost 4 years. The first happened just after Christmas and my daughter third birthday and just before my 29th birthday. The next one was the following year in September. The last one was about a week ago. I am a deal with it myself kinda person. I just sort of pushed it aside the first time and focused on my kids with the second miscarriage I realized I could not do this by myself. I talked with friends and family and leaned heavily on my Husband. This last one has been the hardest. I am still so devastated. I am physically and emotionally drained. I am sad and angry and just keep thinking of the children I have lost. I am so thankful for the two I have and love them more then I can say but I can not help but dwell sometimes on the ones I did not get to meet. Thanks for sharing for story, people like you help me a lot. Knowing that others can understand helps greatly.
I’m so sorry that some people would be so insensitive and say that your baby wasn’t a baby. I hope those words were coming from a place where they were trying to comfort you, but just didn’t know how. I have never experienced a miscarriage and I can’t imagine how you must feel, but I did go through a very difficult time just 3 weeks after my baby was born. She came very close to death. I too, clung on to verses that the Lord gave us. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 is the verse that brings hope to my family. Another thing we have in common is that my husband left for Iraq when I found out I was pregnant. The first 6 months were all up to me. Thanks for sharing your story. Were you able to have another child?
Thanks for sharing all your stories ladies!
Mandi, I did have my daughter 2 years later. <3 My son was 2 when the m/c happened. He is 8 now.
I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my first baby. I was about 7 weeks along when we found out. I was so excited because what I always wanted was to be a mom. My older sister went with me to my ultrasound. We were in the ultrasound room and the lady began the process of trying to find the heartbeat. The look on her face said it all. She left the room and got a doctor. He came in to tell me that there was a sack but no baby. I was pregnant but the baby just took care of itself. That is how he told me. Nice right? My sister and I cried and cried. I called my husband in tears.
I was supposed to have a baby December 25. Christmas I thought was going to be so hard but lucky for me I was preggo again before then. That helped with the pain of knowing I had lost a baby. Every time I had an ultrasound after that miscarriage I was scared out of my mind.
I didn’t really have much of a support system because people didn’t know really what to say. No one in my family had miscarried before. I didn’t have any friends that had miscarried either. I felt all alone.
I now have 4 beautiful children. I have my baby boy who was born December 5th of last year. I always said when we had a December baby then our family would be complete. Funny we always wanted 4 and he was our 4th. I feel we completed our family.
Lots of prayers and hugs to all that have lost a baby. It is hard no matter when the loss took place.
Terri
I am following you from the Monkey Blog hop.
http://mompointofview.blogspot.com
I appreciate that you can share this tragedy with your audience. It was a baby from the moment you conceived (in my book anyways) and the Lord knows you and hears you!
I just found time to read this. I cried. 🙁 My mom had at least 6 miscarriages and one stillborn. And I had a threatened miscarriage with my current pregnancy (praise God they took a blood test and discovered it was just low progesterone, which helps the baby stick to the uterus wall; I was put on progesterone and things are going well now). So I have been tremendously blessed that I haven’t had a miscarriage thus far, although I deeply fear it because of my mom’s troubles. I think it will be interesting, however, that when I die someday and go to heaven, I’ll have 7 siblings I’ve never met before!
And I get very frustrated with people who say it’s not a baby or whatever. My husband and I are both extremely against abortion and we know that as soon as a child is conceived he or she is a complete human being. Reminds me of that Horace Hears a Who story, “A person is a person, no matter how small.”
Thanks. I love that story and said that to myself many times. Still to this day, as goofy as that story and now movie are, I still tear up when they say “a person’s a person, no matter how small.”
I had a miscarriage back in June of 2009 ): I was 19 years old and wasn’t following God.. I was about 7 weeks along when I went through this traumatic event and it was very heart breaking I was so excited about this pregnancy.. My cousin was also pregnant and 2 weeks ahead of me but was able to carry the baby to full term and he is now a year old.. It gets tough cuz I still struggle through it but at the same time it was a blessing because it lead me to Christ.. I realized I couldn’t keep livin how I was and he was the ultimate healer.. I found this post and was happy to hear that I’m not the only person who still feels bad about it even after all this time ): a lot of people who haven’t expierenced it don’t understand how bad it hurts.. I know I went through a time of anger that there’s women who are on drugs or just not in good places and I’m this young girl who loses hers.. But I’ve come to realize not everything makes sense.. And everything has purpose.. And I know I’ll one day meet my Lil angel baby..
What a beautiful comment. <3 You are right, you will see that baby someday. It is hard in the day-to-day sometimes because, you are right, so many do not understand. One thing that really helped me to cope was to name the baby. I wasn't sure if the baby was a boy or girl of course, so I chose a name with meaning. I had an ornament engraved with the name and it goes on the family tree every Christmas. It will get better with time. Prayers and hugs to you.
Hi, thank you for sharing, all of you. It is so difficult. I just passed my baby last week, I was 8 weeks along. I t has been a devastating blow to us. The matter was made worse for me because I am 39, almost 40 and I feel the door to my fertile years is starting to close. Do any of you believe the miscarried babies try so hard to be on this earth that they come back with the next pregnancy? Or do you think that’s it, they just die and live in heaven? Sorry for the deep question, just wondering.
So sorry for your loss. My belief is that your baby is in Heaven. I pray you will be blessed with a sweet baby soon. Hugs to you.